My New Year's Resolutions Are Already Old

We are only into the first days of January 2017, and I have already blown my New Year’s resolutions. Here is the list I vowed to finalize before the ball dropped in Times Square:

December 2016

1. When they go high-fat, I go low-cholesterol.

2. Get up from my desk and do 10 push-ups every 45 minutes.

3. Finish sending holiday cards. 

4. Be more patient with the sound of people gnawing popcorn at the movies.

5. Get to bed an hour earlier.

6.  Wake up a half hour earlier.

7.  Do not wait for houseplants to die before watering them.

And ... here is how my “Top 7 List of Resolutions” is out the window within days of the holiday revelry:

January 2017

1A: Who am I kidding? For lunch on New Year’s Day, we had grilled cheese sandwiches (with two different cheeses). How to outdo this mid-day entrée? Did someone say “Crème Brûlée”? The Silver Palate recipe called for three whole eggs, three yolks, and two-and-a-third cups of heavy cream. 

2B: The exercise thing? This resolution will be enacted immediately ... on the next rainy Thursday.

3B: I will finish sending out my holiday cards. Tomorrow. (But definitely before Valentine’s Day.)

4B: When the lights go down in the movie theater, I will counter the misophonic popcorn dilemma by eating an apple and chewing it loudly. I will then gulp it, clear my throat, pick up the extra-large Diet Coke in the cup holder at my right elbow, shake the cup so that the ice is evenly distributed, and then sip. Loudly.

5B and 6B: Negative 1 + negative .5 = gaining half an hour in real time. (Why bother?)

7B: Tie a red string around houseplant leaves as a reminder to water them. (In all honesty, the responsibility to maintain healthy houseplants is killing me ... and apparently the plants as well.)

There are 360 days left to make things right before the next round of New Year’s resolutions. Stay the course. Be resolute with your self-promises. (Let's touch base in March to see how you're doing.)

In the meantime, may we continue our mutual quest to attain perfection by next Dec. 31, 2017.

It’s closer than you think.